my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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