my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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