Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
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He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
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Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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