I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
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She swung at the pinata with crutches
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
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No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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