Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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