My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
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I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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