My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
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threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
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Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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