I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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