It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
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I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
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Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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