Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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