I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
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you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
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We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
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