For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
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Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
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We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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