matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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