The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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