There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
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So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
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I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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