Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
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If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
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Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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