If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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