i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
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I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
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You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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