Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
the condom got lost in my hair
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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