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3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
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