I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
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My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
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These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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