i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize