And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
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If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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