Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize