So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Randomize