i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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