I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
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I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
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WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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