I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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