I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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