dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just had sex on a roof
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
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