I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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