My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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