mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
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He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
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David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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