this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
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so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
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My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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