One girl and one boy is just not enough.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
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Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
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That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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