I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize