i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
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Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
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My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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