you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
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I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
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Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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