My liver just broke up with me...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
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The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
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I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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