We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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