I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
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is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
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I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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