I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
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Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize