She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
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She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
you had me at cake vodka
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
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And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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