rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
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I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
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I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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