i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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