Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(305): View more from Florida

3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over

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(305) 3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over http://tfl.nu/46dm

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.

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(203): he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him. http://tfl.nu/z649

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.

(510): View more from California

YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!

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(303): I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it. (510): YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!! http://tfl.nu/7kxq

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(214): View more from Texas

New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!

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(214): New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma! http://tfl.nu/1dky

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(937): View more from Ohio

how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?

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(937): how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on? http://tfl.nu/yug9

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(507): View more from Minnesota

...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.

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(507): ...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back. http://tfl.nu/m5i6

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(248): View more from Michigan

i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.

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(248): i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina. http://tfl.nu/jhba

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(314): View more from Missouri

sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire

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(314): sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire http://tfl.nu/hb2c

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(301): View more from Maryland

do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?

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(301): do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit? http://tfl.nu/0117

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(219): View more from Indiana

Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.

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(219): Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though. http://tfl.nu/18ka

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(503): View more from Oregon

So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...

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(503): So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address... http://tfl.nu/a3xh

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(773): View more from Illinois

I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.

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(773): I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened. http://tfl.nu/5hv3

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(708): View more from Illinois

I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.

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(708): I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me. http://tfl.nu/lj2n

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(530): View more from California

He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.

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(530): He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET. http://tfl.nu/u2s2

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(559): View more from California

His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY

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(559): His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY http://tfl.nu/rsnd

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