Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She's the barista slut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize