so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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