Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
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