Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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